Long discussion recently in some part of HP fandom about feedback issues which I will send you link for if you wish, but it's been talked around a lot, including f_w, and the only reason I 'm mentioning it is because it made me think about ME. I don't have anything to contribute to that discussion. And it's an ongoing discussion in fandom(s)--I can think of six other occasions when the issue has been written about on metablog or elsewhere, and that's just in the year since I joined lj. And I know there are many many sites and posts and recs on this issue (and it was debated in the seventies when I was in apa fandom, and it was called "mailing comments" or emcees).

I'm not going to speak to any of that either, or to fandom in general. This post is just about me and my personal philosophy and preferences. Which is all one really can speak to with any authority in this matter as far as I'm concerned (if anybody tells me as a writer I must believe/do X or Y, well, that makes me turn contrary, and always has. And that applies to whatever other noun is used in place of "writer" like, oh, say, "feminist" or "academic"!) Warning: As is my tendency this post has turned out really long. *blush*



One thing that really leaped out at me from that thread that made me feel sad was that more than just a few people posted who identify mostly as readers and who were or are or had been new fans and had been hurt by responses to fb they had given, fb they had meant to be admiring and useful. An ongoing motif in the threads I saw was along the lines of: "why don't the writers just tell us what they want?"

Hmmm. Of course, that's supposing writers know just what they want and are not in denial and are crystal clear on all motivations and brutally self honest. That is, superhuman! Superheroes!

{Alert: Following is intended to be understood as being delivered in tone of ironic self-mockery!}: Of course we are! And we want just what we deserve: praise and praise and more praise! Forevah! Fall at our feet and worship us! Give us money and adultation and praise and pressies!

(Side note: one of the best things someone who wants to write seriously can do is read as many writers' autobios and letters and essays on writing as possible--v. educational--to see the insecurities, fears, and doubts that some of the Biggest Name Writers of the centuries struggled with. Writers are just human beings.)

But the question of what writers want was asked seriously in multiple places and stuck with me over the last night or so. I do have to agree with those people who noted the impossibility of easily answering that question. And I guess one important thing is to realize, as people who engage in any parts of fannish culture for a while do, is that there's no one universal rule that applies in all situations (gee, just like RL whaddya know).

I cannot solve all the problems out there, but I guess I can put down a few notes as honestly as I can about what I think about the issue. And hope that might help people who read my stuff but might be wary of commenting. And let me say first, what I note later in this post as well: I have never been other than thrilled with the fb/responses I got to my fics during the past year plus I've been here. I've had no negative experiences whatsoever. And thank those of you who have taken time and energy to post. But if there are some people out there reading who are wary of posting (for good reason), or fear it, and are wondering, then you might find this post of use.

Although the more I think about it, the more I wonder if a lot of the horror stories concern responses/fb given on the archives or bigger collections, sometimes via email--I don't participate in a number of those, so figure that most people reading my stuff are on my flist, or friends' flists, although every once in a while a new name will pop up, so I guess I should not assume too limited a scope. And I choose to post my fics open to all, knowing that it's on the internet and in a public domain even if part of that public domain is called my livejournal. But the potential greater exposure to people who don't know me, and I don’t know them, etc. is no doubt smaller because I don't post in the big public archives.

First: a little background. Have been in fandom in multiple media on and off since 1976, so know the basics and know that in some ways the internet has changed things. Didn't expect to get back in, but am loving it since I did, a year ago. I am also a writer and teacher of writing. Which means that sometimes life gets confusing and complicated because my "work" is so much like my "hobby" is so much like my "passion" and well it just keeps going around. I read. And I write. And sometimes it's for work. Sometimes for fandom. Sometimes just for me. Sometimes for all of the above. Like Tolkien who has mutated from fandom into work and back through fandom and Jackson and work and fandom and….argh.

Since my primary genre was poetry until recently, I am quite used to receiving NO money to speak of and NO reviews, commentary, or response to my work other than immediate ones at poetry readings I've given (which I've always loved doing and had good experiences with except for ONE crazy experience with what I can only call a deranged fanperson who saw my poems as controlling her life, a story which I tell others only over a drink of some sort).

Additionally, I'm a published writer in academic criticism which doesn't mean that my fanfic is any the better for that experience, but it does mean that I have had the Editorial Experience. Blue pencil marks on my soul. Not to mention, years earlier, the Doctoral Dissertation Committee experience. Oh, the agony. The pain. The having to change things just because they say so. Note to fellow aspiring academics: don't say mean things about your doc diss director's best friend from graduate school even if hir book really sucks in your humble opinion!

And having done theatre graduate work, I've had the experience of sitting in an audience watching MY plays being performed--one of the biggest highs ever--because they liked it--have also sat in audience which did not like a colleague's play which must a horrible experience. A lot of my lj experience has been comparable in nature to that theatre experience--the immediately of fb, the group or mass rather than single reader in controlled setting. Not the same, but analagous.

And I have had lots of rejection letters. My favorite being "yes, we wanted weird plays, but this play is too weird even for us." I kept that one! And have had reviews of my work that were published in academic journals and were not universally positive!

I won't say I never get upset about comments/critiques/evaluation/feedback/analyses of my work--I'm a human being--but I've been through a few mills in my time. And I don't get easily upset or hurt. Or mad. And I keep throwing all those terms that sometimes are used for the same thing and sometimes mean very different things around because they're out there, and obviously we all have some different meanings attached to them. I love 'em all!

My experience with fanfic/fandom is different than my other writing experiences in some way. It's for fun, and the immediacy of response can be amazing and scary. Someone called it the crack cocaine of fandom somewhere, and I agree. I still remember the thrill when someone who wasn't a friend I already knew (waves at baranduin) left a comment on a fic I wrote. I was hooked. Totally. Addicted.

And addiction is my primary metaphor for writing, has been for years. I write no matter how hard it is because the pain of not writing is worse. I learned that once and for all in the wake of my parents' divorce when alcohol and stupid sex and some flirting with illegal drugs could not fill the void. I have to write. I don't have to write only one thing or the other, in fact, I seem to do best when writing lots of different things. Um, I get bored easily?

So with the addiction metaphor firmly established for decades (um like 3 at this point), I cannot quite accept the analogy that my fics are a "gift" to fandom. I write because I cannot NOT write. I post because I love the idea of having people read MY stuff. I have never been able to keep a private diary or journal going. I can keep a lj going quite nicely apparently!

People who take the time amidst their busy lives and with all the stuff that's out there on the internet and with all the entertainment options in this world today to read my stuff are giving a gift as well--one of the most precious out there. Their time, their attention. If they also take time to write something down in response, whether it's one line, or a whole beautifully informed commentary on their experience, that makes me happier. And then I do cute little dances and hand out virtual chocolate (please specify dark or milk preference or even, gasp, preference for something other than chocolate)! And I try to always respond to those responses--sometimes due to technical problems of personal/RL problems, it can take a while, and I'm sorry for that. But I do try.

I've never received ANY fb in lj or via email from anyone that upset me or hurt me--although I'm just lucky perhaps, or post in limited and really nice fandom groups--nobody's ever written me and said "oh, I hate the pairing" though I have seen that comment about my pairings made in other people's journals--but that's ok. They're not telling me that, and since there are pairings I don't like/read, I don't mind if they don't like/read mine. I've read about a whole host of negative kinds of responses/fb one can get, and ditto negative commentary writers can give back to readers. Sad in all cases.

I know from personal/professional experience (I teach writing, including creative writing, so write commentary on student work) how much time/effort and YES creative energy and focused attention that it takes to write extensive and *good* responses--feedback--critiques, something more than "I loved this story, please write more"--something that goes into detail about what worked and why for a reader, that asks questions, and "projects" ahead (since I work in, er, epic length series, and am always juggling future balls, someone saying "I think X will happen based on what you wrote here" makes me do happy dances). And, yes, sometimes that sort of comment points to something I wasn't aware of yet (but my characters obviously were--I'm not in total control of 'em, people!).

And unfortunately I cannot always make the time myself to post the fb I'd like on other people's stories and poems--especially at some points in the academic year. So with my life being busy and me not spending as much time as I'd like on lj, I don't ever want to blame people for not being able to fb. Even if I do pout on occasion. As I said, I'm only human.

And I have an ego just like everyone else. And it's great to get nice positive glowing fb, but it's also nice when people point out the errors I fail to catch in the editing process. (Like a big major blooper in a recent installment of the AU that aprilkat caught for me (*smooches*).

And speaking of that: OK, it may be time to confess this here--or maybe nobody cares. I don't quite know. I don't have a beta for fanfic, or, alternately, I am my own beta--for one thing, nobody I know, er, quite has time to keep up with me when I'm really turning the stuff out. Everyone I know is too busy, and I wouldn't trust anyone I didn't know at some level or have some knowledge of. And I am fairly used to doing my own editing and revisions. I do check out some stuff with friends in early stages, not usually a whole draft, usually via chat. But I admit that I've never pursued a formal relationship with anybody. Not arrogance I hope so much as time, on my part, and impatience, and well, feeling that on another level, this activity is for fun. Not like my other stuff which goes through multiple readings and commentary by people in a professional context.

So usually my fanfic only gets about three or four major draftings before posting (my stuff to be published professionally usually gets 7-10 major draftings--not counting final editing/polishing--I am a very process oriented writer and start very rough).

I noticed a lot of people talking about betas and who does what and whether people reading the stuff on the internet should do beta work which is hard (damn straight it is), etc. So I have finally come clean on that aspect of my secret fannish life. I don't expect people who read my stuff in lj to edit/beta--although any little note on a problem they see is greatly appreciated. What's up there is my responsibility, and I'm always happy to fix it.

And embarassingly enough this post is turning huge. So I will throttle myself to a stop here.

Bottom line: I write for myself, first, and to share my love of the characters and stories with anyone else who is interested. I love getting attention and feedback--we all do, I'm convinced--and I also know that a comment about a problem or issue in one piece can often be useful to know about when writing other/future pieces (including stuff I will be publishing). The nice stuff or lengthy comments about what worked for you is wonderful; a one line note that you enjoyed it is also wonderful.

And if you see something that bothers you or confuses you, feel free to note/ask. If you don't like something--well, that's cool too, although I admit that just saying "I don't like X." doesn't help me much. Your not liking it may be due to something I could fix, OR it may not be.

For example, I don't like which means I don't read/see stories/novels/films/etc to do with divorce (bad parental unit story). And I have certain other "sore spots," so that I often have to say, when giving fb to my students, that I may not be the best person to be able to comment on something because of my personal involvement/blind spots. We all have blind spots, and the best I can do is a teacher is be self aware and make sure my students get different fb (everybody in class usually is involved in workshopping drafts).

And the existence of blind spots and personal preferences and personal histories that differ from everyone else's is why I try to be very very very specific even hyperly so about "warnings" and notes--because if somebody doesn't like interspecies, or non-con, or whatever, and I have it in a story, they need to know, so they don't stumble upon it unsuspectingly. I'd rather over-warn, over-rate, than under do it.

I am *not saying* don't say something negative. But maybe talk a little about why you may not like something, or may not see how it works. Especially if you think it's something in the story or NOT in the story that is causing the problem. Because maybe I know what it is, but haven't gotten it in yet, or will get it in, or need to go back and revise a section. And this sort of thing is usually bigger than typos, grammar, spelling, syntax, style, etc.

And remember, all I'm saying here applies only to me--there's no guarantee that this approach is what any other writer wants or needs or will respond to well! Sometimes I think writers are a lot more like cats than dogs--which means one must approach with care! Although again that may apply only to me, and I'm sure other writers will come up with many different analogies themselves.